The greater your capacity to love...

Well I know again it has been a while but school is rough right now. Plus I still am not doing well. I see the doctor on Wednesday and I don't wanna go. She told me I have to see a therapist or counselor, whatever you want to call them. I don't know whether I am okay with this. I just don't feel like doing anything. I just want to be left alone but I don't want to be alone. Oxymoron yeah I know. Same thing with the meds... I know they are supposed to help me, but it's like why do I need to put something foreign in my body to make me happy and feel better, why can't I do that myself? I don't know.... I don't care.... I don't ..... I don't......
Szepasszony

Well it's snowing. And in North Carolina, or more precisely Fayetteville. Weird yep I know I never would have thought it either. But it is a nice surprise, a better surprise would have been if I could miss school because of this, but no its a Saturday, so I miss nothing.

Wow 25 weeks and nothing has been written. I guess that says something about my life. I was supposed to go on a cruise but the company folded. So basically my life has revolved around school. So it was that interesting.

Well I know it has been a while since I have written in here. But things got a little hectic and I just did not feel well. I saw Pirates of the Caribbean 3 on Sunday. Absolutely awesome. They left enough unsaid that the possiblity of a fourth movie is likely. I saw the doctor this morning and now I am on more medication. This time it is for RLS - Restless Leg Syndrome. So maybe I sleep at night. Mom and Dad's Anniversary was on the 5th, my oldest brother came to here to take Mom out to eat. And coming up is my dad's birthday and my grandparents anniversary. So needless to say I going to depression spell. And it is not pretty. I have been barricading myself in my room. Sleep for hours on end when I actually fall asleep. Then I also am not eating. So either which way you look at it I am not doing so hot. My best friend is coming back tomorrow from her cruise. So her mom and I are going to the airport to pick her up. Should be fun. I think that is all for now. Maybe I write later, and tell you how I do on my meds. Maybe something exciting will happen.

~*~Szepasszony~*~

Well school is over for this semester. Then I will start back in the fall. I decided to take this summer off. First time in three years and I need it. This Fall should be my last semester. Then I am planning on going to FSU, to get my bachelors in Nursing. Possibly a degree in psychology as well. Don't know yet. I have to go over everything right now and then I will figure it out but for right now I am just taking a break.

~*~Szepasszony~*~

Patty Loveless – How Can I help you Say Goodbye *For my family*
Through the back window of our '59 wagon
I watched my best friend Jamie slippin' further away
I kept on wavin' till I couldn't see her
And through my tears I asked again, why we couldn't stay

Momma whispered softly, "Time will ease your pain.
Life's about changin', nothin' ever stays the same."
And she said, "How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry.
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?"
 




--- Instrumental ---
I sat on our bed,  he packed his suitcase
I held a picture of our wedding day
His hands were tremblin', we both were cryin'
He kissed me gently, then he quickly walked away.

I called up Momma and she said, "Time will ease your pain.
Life's about changin; nothin' ever stays the same.
And she said, "How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry.
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?"

--- Instrumental ---
Sittin' with Momma alone in her bedroom
She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand
She said, "I have to go now. My time here is over."
And with her final words she tried to help me understand.

Momma whispered softly, "Time will ease your pain.
Life's about changin, nothin' ever stays the same."
And she said, "How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's okay to hurt, and it's okay to cry.
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you, to say goodbye?..."

Tim McGraw – Live Like You Were Dying *For my father*
He said I was in my early forties
With a lot of life before me
When a moment came that stopped me on a dime
And I spent most of the next days
Looking at the x-rays
And talking ‘bout the options, talking
‘bout sweet time
And I asked him when it sank in
That this might really be the end
How’s it hit ya’ when you get that kind of news
Man, what’d you do (he said)

C H O R U S
I went sky diving I went rocky
mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a
bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I’d been denying
And he said one day I hope you get a chance
To live like you were dying

He said I was finally the husband
That most the time I wasn’t
And I became a friend a friend would like to have
And all ‘a sudden going fishin’
Wasn’t such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
And I finally read the good book
And I took a good long hard look
At what I’d do if I could do it all again…and then

 C H O R U S
I went sky diving I went rocky
mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a
bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I’d been denying
And he said one day I hope you get a chance
To live like you were dying

Like tomorrow was a gift
And you’ve got eternity to think of what you did with it
What you did with it…what did I do with it

C H O R U S
I went sky diving I went rocky
mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a
bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I’d been denying
And he said one day I hope you get a chance
To live like you were dying

 

Steve Warnier – Holes in the Floor of Heaven *For my grandmother*
One day shy of eight years old, my grandma passed away
I was a broken hearted little boy, blowing out that birthday cake
How I cried when the sky let go, with a cold and lonesome rain\
Mamma smiled, said, "Don't be sad child, grandma's watching you today."

Chorus:
'Cause theres holes in the floor of heaven and her tears are pouring down
That's how you know she's watching, wishing she could be here now
And sometimes if your lonely just remember she can see
There's holes in the floor of heaven and she's watching over you and me.

Seasons come and seasons go, nothing stays the same
I grew up, fell in love, met a girl who took my name
Year by year, we made a life in this sleepy little town
I thought we'd grow old together, Lord, I sure do miss her now.

But there's holes in the floor of heaven and her tears are pouring down
That's how I know she's watching, wishing she could be here now
And sometimes when I'm lonely I remember she can see
There's holes in the floor of heaven and she's watching over you and me.

--- Instrumental ---
Well, my little girl is twenty three,  I walk her down the aisle
It's a shame her mom can't be here now to see her lovely smile
They throw the rice, I catch her eye as the rain starts coming down
She takes my hand, says daddy don't be sad
'Cause I know mamma's watching now.

And there's holes in the floor of heaven and her tears are pouring down
That's how you know she's watching, wishing she could be here now
And sometimes when I'm lonely, I remember she can see
Yes, there's holes in the floor of heaven, and she's, watching over you and me. 

Watching over you and me.
Watching over you and me.
Watching over you and me...

Luther Vandross - To Dance With My Father Again *To my father and grandfather*
Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved

Chorus: 
If I could get another chance 
Another walk, another dance with him,
I'd play a song that would never ever end\
How I'd love love love, to dance with my father again

Verse 2:
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me(yeah, yeah)
Then finally make me do just what my momma said
Later that night, when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me

Chorus:
If I could steal 
One final glance
One final step 
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
Cause I'd love love love to dance with my father again

Verse 3:
Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
I'd hear how my mother cried for him
(x2) I'd pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually 
But dear Lord she' s dying to dance with my father again

Every night I fall asleep 
And this is all I ever dream

Joe Nichols – I’ll Wait For You *For My Grandmother*
The snow in Montana was three feet high
The lady at the counter said: There ain't no flights
And so he called her on the telephone
He said: I'll rent a car and I'll drive home.

And she said: I'll wait for you
Like I did last year
At Christmas time with your family here
And your truck broke down out in San Antone
And the gifts stayed wrapped until you got home
Oh, this ain't nothin' new
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you.

Now he's on his cell phone in a Coupe Deville
Talkin' to the one he loves and always will
His heart is breakin' 'cause she's there alone
Her heart is achin' 'cause she wants him home

She says: I'll wait for you like in '68
When our child was due, but I said, he'll have to wait
Until his dad gets here and stands by my side
Remember, Dear, our son's first cry
Oh, this ain't nothin' new
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you.

He didn't stop all day to eat a bite
And he finally got there around midnight
The doctor said, she's in a better place
She said to give this you this note just in case.

And it said, I'll wait for you at Heaven's gate
Oh, I don't care how long it takes
And I'll tell Saint Pete I can't come in
Without my love and my best friend
Oh, this ain't nothin' new
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you.

P.S. I love you, too
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you...

Trace Adkins – The Stubborn One *For My Grandfather*

They say that smokin' ain't allowed in here
But I don't care
Try to sneak you some
Saw your buddies at the barber shop
And they sure fight a lot
Just like they've always done
You look at me
Like you don't know who I am
But that's alright
Cause I know who you are

You're the stubborn one
My great-granddaddy's son
The one who drank his whiskey from a coffee cup
Time has stripped you of
So many things you love
But you keep fightin' on
Cause you're the stubborn one

Remember when we saw Hank Aaron play
I was in second grade
You snuck me out of school
And you wore overalls to Sunday church
You said the Good Lord's work
Ain't done in a monkey suit
You bought your tires down at
Eddie Shaw's garage
You said K-Mart didn't need your dollar

You're the stubborn one
My great-granddaddy's son
The one who drank his whiskey from a coffee cup
Time has stripped you of
So many things you love
But you keep fightin' on
Cause you're the stubborn one

The nurses wonder why
I keep comin' back
They tell me you can't hear me
I guess I'm more like you
Than anybody knew
I can't let go of what I hold so dearly
The stubborn one

You're the stubborn one
My great-granddaddy's son
The one who drank his whiskey from a coffee cup
Time has stripped you of
So many things you love
But you keep fightin' on
Cause you're the stubborn one
You're the stubborn one

Yeah, the stubborn one
You're the stubborn one
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

I never thought I would have to tell them bye. Now it hurts so much. I love them all very much and I miss them like there is no tomorrow. 

~Szepasszony

I hate Tuesdays. They are the longest day I have at school along with Thursday. But Tuesday is worse because I don't have lab which means I have to wait from 9:15 to 1:00 when my next class starts and I am so bored right now. I have gone over everything I need and I still have an hour and a half. I need something to do. 

Szepasszony

Okay I can't hold back my excitement any longer. I got to dissect things in my biology lab today. I had so much fun. Let's see I dissected a perch fish, dog fish shark, leopard toad, pig, and something else can't remember. But I actually enjoyed this lab. The only bad thing that came from this was that now I smell like formadlin and fish. But I can live with it.

I wish someone could define normal for me... the last few days I have been trying to understand what it is to me, and honestly I don't know if I was never normal or I just can't remember. I mean my whole life centered around taking care of somebody. When I hit junior high we noticed my grandfather was developing Alzheimer's. So I went through that with my grandmother. Then in high school I was still dealing with that only now I was helping my grandmother so she wouldn't get stressed out from him. (didn't work that well come to think of it.) After my grandmother died my grandfather was put in to the VA nursing home. My family was put in charge of his wellbeing. Then right before college, and I do mean right before cause it was like a day maybe two before, my dad got sick. So for the last two and a half years I spent taking care of him. So does my life the last some odd years constitute normal for me or was it just a crapshoot? And if it was a crapshoot how will I get back to being and feeling normal especially if my life was never normal or I can't remember it? 

So now its time for the update of the rest of my life.... 

School is back in... yeah that's great. Really happy there. My doctor had her baby, a little boy named Brian Walter. The Walter was in honor of her father and mine. That is really sweet. My dad was so happy. He found out right before he died. He was 7 pounds and 12 ounces. 

Well I need to deal with some stuff here. ~Szepasszony

You know its bad when you have lost so much weight (not of purpose of course) that you have to take in pants that you just have to have because of work or some other excuse. Either way it sucks right now. ~ Szepasszony

I am very tired. My nephew Alex and my neice Kathryn wore me OUT! Nicholas wore my brother out. We had fun though. We spent the day with Julia and the kids until Erik got home then we went out to Golden Corral for dinner. After that we came home. Today I spent most of the day with Heather and her family. Her dad is leaving for a 4 month tour in Africa. I made sure to tell him to come home in one piece. Cause I can't lose anybody else. I don't think I could survive that. I think I am going to lay down now before I end up face planting into the keyboard. Night. ~Szepasszony

I realized shortly after posting on here that I made a comment that most would not understand..... 'But don't hold your breathe, I would hate to have anymore deaths on my conscious.' Okay so no I haven't murdered anybody, but a few years ago my grandmother passed away to congestive heart failure. When she went to the hospital with chest pains, I was at school. This was on a Wednesday. The Monday before she had been complaining of chest pain as well, so I did what I normally did... I called my dad. Well my grandmother and my father convinced me that she could wait till the following day (Tuesday) when she had a doctors appointment. They found nothing wrong, she died the sunday afterwards... so since then I have felt real guilty over the fact that if I could have just pushed my father to take her in she might still be here. So that is what that statement meant.

Well Spring Break starts this afternoon for me, and I am soooooo happy. Tomorrow (thursday) I am taking Mom to her doctors appointment. She is going to see Mr. Kenny and Dr. Serano. I like them both alot.... Dr. Serano isn't quite right. You know how you tell people to 'think outside the box'. Well Dr. Serano doesn't have one. That is how far out there he is. I mean the man can take both your pulses in each wrist and hold a conversation with you at the same time.  Then Friday we are going to see my neice and nephews. And of course my brother and sister in law.... maybe. The rest of the weekend who knows. I don't know what will happen next week.... either. Whole lotta nothin'. Sounds real good to me though. I am going to work on some other things now so I might update when I get home.  ~Szepasszony

That's Momma with Nicholas, Kathryn and Alexander.

I don't know why but I just had to put this up... I just finished my math test for college algebra. Of course I was the first one done... cause I always am one of the first. No what's bad about this is that I was using a normal calculator (cost like $10) and everybody else is using a graphing calculator and finished before they did and passed the test with flying colors. That's bad. It also show you that I shouldn't be in this math class but that is a different story altogether.  That's all for now. ~Szepasszony

There are days when the world is spinning in one direction... and your spinning in the opposite. I'm just waiting for the two to collide.

Wow! I can't believe it. Spring Break is almost here. It's unbelievable. Well I know it been a few days, but the doctors decided that they would do shoulder surgery on me. They repaired some of the nerves in my shoulder, and this Wednesday they are going to do it again, except this time for the back of my shoulder. My shoulder hurts like hell. But that is a good thing. Better than not feeling anything. Right? That's what I thought. LOL. This post will be short cause basically the pain medicine works very well and usually I can't do much. Plus typing hurts, cause of the position my shoulder is in. So that is going to be all for now. Hopefully I will be able to update during the break. But don't hold your breathe, I would hate to have anymore deaths on my conscious.

Well yes I said I would continue with this but I got a little side track. So sue me. Yesterday as in Tuesday... (at least I think yesterday was Tuesday).... I went to see the doctor, except my doctor is on maturnity leave. So I saw the nurse practioner. She's okay, but she's not my doctor. I got a refill on my prescription and filled out some stuff on family history... very exciting. The only thing good about it was I found out how much weight I have lost. I didn't exactly tell her how I lost the weight, so I didn't get yelled at. She might have thrown me into an institution if she had found out. LOL. I probably belong there if I really thought about it. Lately I have been more tired than I have in months. I guess I am probably starting to wear myself thin again. I am barely sleeping, because my mind won't let or the cat (but that is definately a whole other story). And of course I am barely eating, I eat when I realize I haven't or when I get a headache, which for me is a sure sign that I haven't. It seems weird that before I could eat an entire meal and dessert and now I can get by with a piece a bread. It's sad really, I almost feel anorexic, except I know I am not. Cause I know that I am fine with the weight I am at, but its something about food that I cannot seem to place. I look at it and I feel like I am going to be sick... It's almost as if I were pregnant. And if I am pregnant then I definately need to talk to someone.... cause I would have just turned into the virgin mary. I don't intend to break my promise, Gran. I promise you that. But anyways, food seems to have lost its appeal or something. For instance, I'll eat with my family and friends and then the next day I just can't even eat because I am still full from the day before. I do know that I am not dehydrated because I drink my green tea as if I were an alcoholic and the tea is my alcohol. Nice analogy. I also used to drink soda, put that also is unappealing. Once in while I can handle it but not like I used to. 

Next subject: 
I really needed to get off that subject.... yesterday was one of friends birthdays. She turned 21 and that is not really a good thing. She would drink alcohol before she was allowed to legally. Now she has a kid and I am afraid she might start to drink again. I mean she not an alcoholic or anything like that, but it is still not good for her. It seems as though I still care. When I really shouldn't. I guess you could say that we have had a falling out over the last year. After she and one of our mutual friends ended their relationship she basically seems to have treated me like a traitor. It wasn't my fault they stopped talking but really I don't know what happened and I don't care to know. I can at least say that I am mad at her. She disappointed me pretty bad. My father died and I sent her a message telling her that he was gone. I mean for sakes she called him 'Daddy'. She had a right to know. She knew when the memorial was and yet she didn't show up. My mom was disappointed she expected her to show up and she didn't. I am so mad at her because of that. She didn't have the common decency to show up and say: I love you. I'm sorry. How are you? Can I do anything? I miss him too. I got nothing. I have been there for her through thick and thin. And she could even be here for me. I don't understand it. The other thing that I have a problem with is the baby. Samarah. I mean she adorable and she precious and I will love her like I do my neice and my friend's neice. But the fact that she didn't first tell me she was pregnant, second tell what she was having, thirdly tell she had had the child, or in fact tell me what she would like for the baby. I got nothing. I had to go through her mother to find out. It just makes me sick, that she could be so selfish. I know this is going to sound mean but if I were her boyfriend I would ask for a paternity test. She knew him for a most a month (I of course am being generous here), and dated him for about a week and then guess what she got herself pregnant. Don't you love the irony of it all. I mean she has to know that I could figure it out. It's not rocket science. It just frustrating I guess. 

I guess I should stop ranting and raving. 

I still care about her and if ever she needs something I wouldn't hesitate to be there, but her attitude so far hasn't been the best. I hope for her sake and for the sake of her daughter and family she will change. Maybe one day my hopes and prayers will be answered. 

That's going to be all for today, hopefully tomorrow my day will be brighter than today and the sun. ~Szepasszony